Why do people from India like New York? Good call. Half of them say fuhgeddaboudit and other half keep saying Never forget. He hates New York., 91. They met her in a parking garage, and they were like, Madge, give us the scoop! Really?" The woman is completely positive. 161. Everyone else is Mel Blanc. Jack Benny, If God doesnt destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology. Jay Leno, My arms register as legs there. I said you could borrow it, not have it! Ugh, New Years Eve in NYC really sucked this year. Talk about kazoos for a few minutes, then you hop on your unicycle and juggle, you carnival-faced motherfucker. Hannibal Buress, Fuck you, and fuck the Yankees! I love staring at the Brooklyn bridge. And that ten years, Id like to spend in New York. Harry Ruby, Gluten-free pizza elicits the same response at a Hollywood party that a pile of cocaine did in the 80s. Natasha Leggero, Everyones into health in Beverly Hills. Two Towers. New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time most, unsolved. Johnny Carson, Its so cold here in New York that the flashers are just describing themselves. Johnny Carson, Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place. Johnny Carson, My dad was the town drunk. In New York, they try to work things out for the sake of the apartment. David Sedaris, In New York, everyone is an exile, none more so than the Americans. Charlotte Perkins Gilman. Required fields are marked *. You would never do that in another situation. A: So they can park in handicap spaces. What material does a New Yorker like to make his pajamas out of? And lets not tell them either. How you livin?, 68. Which is cool if you want to have a handlebar mustache, but dont try to have a conversation with me like you dont have a handlebar mustache. Yeah, its be a hard drive. They stick to the ground. 83. Because New York got to pick first. 41. Or hurricanes. Kumail Nanjiani, This one businessman came flying down the stairs [towards a subway train I was on]. New York Sucks., 111. The fisherman in New York City reeled in a 250-pound catfish measuring 6 feet 6 inches long.I dont get what the big deal is. Thats one of my favorite things to do. Lets just go. Im a super quirky, 30+ year native New Yorker who wants to share the total awesomeness that is New York travel with you. Looking forward to the show. Marc Maron, New Yorks such a wonderful city. Family Game: Do you really know your Family? Because the Big Apple captivated her. Did you hear that NYC paid Hillary Clinton $2,000,000 as a consultant for New Years Eve? The whole show is in a silly, goofy mood. Los Angeles is one of the worlds most famous cities. I should have gotten in a cab or called the cops immediately. Two Orangemen fans drowned last year. You down with BEC? Please see my disclosure for more information. Theyre just, Is that an octopus? What distinguishes Middle Earth from New York City? Why was the bagel store robbed? Covering Rammsteins Du Hast in Berlin. Bursting with laugh-out-loud jokes and fun facts, LOL Jokes: New York City combines the best of humor and history for young readers! Your brain is, like, fried," Nepola, 55, screams back while pointing at her best friend. For five days starting on Monday, October 8, were asking you to tweet your best jokes about a specific borough with the hashtag #borobash. I could never live there. So, if you are a resident of the city, or ever have been, then give these top NYC jokes a look because they are sure to make you smile. In case you dont know what gentrified means, its when a bunch of white people move to a fucked-up neighborhood and open up cupcake stores everywhere. Lets go west. Richard Jeni, In New York, the principal leisure activity is internal bleeding. Richard Jeni, I was in New York last Christmas its snowing; theres a guy in a T-shirt. Privacy Policy and Eve wanted to leave Eden and move to New York, but why? The Jews celebrate Passover by eating unpalatable food to remind them what will happen to their people if they ever leave New York City., 88. A dollar is good for 4 quarters. The lox were broken. Because it was so hot in NYC today. Q: Why couldn't the baby Jesus be born in New York? The Big Apple cant play chess since its missing two towers., 20. Turns out it was a bar mitzvah. The end wouldnt come as a surprise here. 173. Its a grid system, motherfucker! It does things to a person. When were standing on 4th Street. Todd Barry, I was on the train. But out of respect, people still say, May I approach the bench? And thats sweet. Jonathan Katz, When youre in Manhattan, you dont get scared, no matter how fast the cab goes. I just returned from a trip in Germany, and I realized just how awful American children are. They write theses on What I Stole Over My Summer Vacation. Joan Rivers, [New York] is all sex and violence. ET., Rock . In New York, thats from building to building. This post may contain affiliate links. 46. The women of, Sam Levinson and the Weeknd Allegedly Turned, Theres No Red Button You Can Push to Stop. About every 20 minutes, immediately, you have to go [gasp], Oh my god. 7. A visitor. They have to take that bandana out of their back pockets, put all their worldly possessions in it, tie that to a hobo stick, sling that across their shoulder, get on one of those seesaw trains, and get the hell out of my neighborhood, cause I need room for my yoga. Well, we have both of them. In winter, NYC is the city of tights. I never used to go to the beach cause I come from Brooklyn, we only had Coney Island, which was an awful beach, though there were rumors during the war that enemy submarines, German subs, came into the bathing area at Coney Island, and they were destroyed by the pollution., 65. They all go like this: Once upon a time, I forgot. The Cyclone was made in the year 1927. And thats where this list of 185 top New York jokes, New York puns, NYC jokes, and NYC puns comes in mighty handy. Nick Johnson, About HomeSnacks May 6, 2018 HomeSnacks is reader-supported. 3. Theres so little greenery in NYC, it would make a stone sick. 58. You can get your purse snatched and your rear end pinched simultaneously. Joan Rivers, This guy came up to me at a party last week and asked me, Where are you from? So I told him, Im from Queens, New York. And hes like, No, where are you really from? For those of you who dont know, thats code for Why arent you white? Hari Kondabolu, I come from New York, where, if you fall down, someone will pick you up by the wallet. Al McGuire, Ive now got this nice little apartment in New York, one of those L-shaped ones unfortunately, its a lowercase L. Rita Rudner, The Jews celebrate Passover by eating unpalatable food to remind them what will happen to their people if they ever leave New York City. Jon Stewart, New York is the only place where if you have talent and you believe in yourself, and you show people what you can do, then someday, maybe just maybe you could get shoved in front of a moving subway train. Dave Barry, In Manhattan, every flat surface is a potential stage, and every inattentive waiter an unemployed, and possibly unemployable, actor. Quentin Crisp, I saw a license plate that said I Miss New York, so I smashed their windows and stole their radio. Craig Anton, No matter how many times I visit this great city, Im always struck by the same thing: a yellow taxicab. Scott Adams, I live in Los Angeles. We just want to dive into a pool without having to hold onto our bottoms. I live in New York. I auditioned to live in Williamsburg but didnt get a callback. Ophira Eisenberg, Im fat in all the wrong places. 90. Thats why I love karaoke so much it takes all the music I find annoying AND all the people I find annoying, and keeps it in one place I can easily avoid., 80. Going to Long Island is considered a "road trip." 26. For more laughs, check our food jokes and puns that are totally hilarious! One lives in a field and is stuffed with hay. This seems to be their big qualification. I love the view. So much that I feel awkward when telling my black friends Im hopping the N train.. Just gonna take my horse to the Old Town Bar. It always looks better when the Orangemen are on paper., 108. How do the Brooklyn and Manhattan Bridges communicate? Theres only so much you can Cannoli do in Little Italy. In New York, all the things I cant afford are so convenient., 24. ! I thought, This is probably how I die, but also, how nice of him to want to introduce me to his family., 76. 2. Park Slope? So fun. Like Soho., 74. Thats quite a Roosevelt you have going on. Its like somebody took an Ansel Adams photo and then put a Cypress Hill video inside it. Al Madrigal, If you ever thought you were ugly, Los Angeles is the place to come and find out you were right. Richard Jeni, You cant smoke in a restaurant in Los Angeles, which is mildly ironic when you consider the fact that you cant breathe outside a restaurant in Los Angeles. Greg Proops, Hollywood is like Picassos bathroom. Candice Bergen, I have been asked if I ever get the DTs; I dont know, its hard to tell where Hollywood ends and the DTs begin. W.C. Youre not considered legally dead until you lose your tan. Joan Rivers, L.A. My great grandmother worked on the Underground RailroadBut since she lived in NYC, we just called it the subway. What did the angry pepperoni say? Theres a saying that there are 8 million stories in this city. New York looks crappy in the mornings. Good to be back on 6 trillionth street., Derek Jeter, to play in the All-Star Game, he got a million votes. Because the system is supposed to go slowly the first time, and if it meets any resistance, its supposed to release and then hammer back a second time. Its filled with funny New York jokes that are sure to make you smile. You know, just taking cheesy selfies in New York. The Yankees are supposed to win. I wish Id been a Def Jam comic when that movie came out. I hope you share my sense of humor. 85. Thats not my area up there! You cant do that. 53. Now, he wasnt hurt. O.J. 115. Cause if youre Hispanic and you get angry, people are like, Hes got a Latin temper. Bursting with laugh-out-loud jokes and fun facts, LOL Jokes: New York City combines the best of humor and history for young readers! I love Hollywood. Who was your source on that, New York Post? But Im frazzled to the point where things are a little tweaky. 4. I think you pull it, Joshua Jackson says to Lizzy Caplan sensually. You know? Sam Richardson Is Happy That the Kids Are Finding. Studies show that most New Yorkers are offended by 9/11 jokes.The study also revealed that they thought the other 2/11 jokes were funny. Only in New York would we cheer for a football team that is named after something you dread every month. Now theres a store that just sells mayonnaise It is probably the most cartoonish, stereotypical image of gentrification I have ever seen. New York City's comedians have found a way to keep performing. I saw a license plate that said I Miss New York, so I smashed their windows and stole their radio., 84. 167. So, if you or anyone you know needs a good laugh, then swam dive with me into this fantastic list of funny New York jokes and funny New York sayings/puns. I dont belong on this train! This website uses cookies to improve your experience. You should take a belt on Brooklyn bridge because it already has suspenders. Think about that, thats true. If youre booking a trip right now then I IMPLORE you to get travel insurance even if its not from me. 178. Go Bills! Yeah, I cant see the Forest Hills for the trees. Its awesome, living in one of the most popular and busiest cities in the world. 105. One guy took the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine. David Letterman, New York when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you. David Letterman, I think part of picking where you live in New York is accepting who you are. Hes a turd., Ive lived in New York City way too long. Enjoy! Think about that, thats true. How you livin? Tiny Fey, I live in Brooklyn, but not Williamsburg. Not true. Its a very liberal city, but its so hypocritical in what its liberal about. Because crap floats. 111. It will be called: How I killed your Grandmother, What do you call a bike in NYC that has been standing out in the sun for hours? 1 thing that you can be in the eyes of the New York Post is an angel. Thats not my area up there!' Out-of-towners come to L.A. and rub it in my face.Hey, man, you know what you could buy for $700,000 in Alabama? A: Because they couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin. 93. 102. 25. Why dont Los Angeles drivers use their blinkers? I always falafel after drinking all night. Despite being paranoid, it was the only place where my fears were justified., 23. Why did the New York regents decide to cover the Carrier Dome in cardboard? Why is The Wave banned in the Carrier Dome? But I hate when people go, New York City: 8 million people, 8 million stories. I want to be plastic. Andy Warhol, I mean, who would want to live in a place where the only cultural advantage is that you can turn right on a red light? Woody Allen and Marshall Brickman, Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees. David Letterman, In Los Angeles, by the time youre 35, youre older than most of the buildings. Delia Ephron, Its so crowded in Los Angeles these days if you get a sunburn, you have to go to Glendale to peel. 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